Welcome Back To Einstein Meadows
Welcome to the sequel of Einstein Meadows: The Unspoken Perils & Thrills of Living in a Retirement Community. If you read the first novel, you are probably wondering what’s happening now. Are the Meadowites (Einstonians) still smoking, getting naked and feeling frisky? Of course! In this novel, you will discover that medicinal marijuana leads to enlightenment for the denizens of this wild, wacky, and unpredictable neighborhood.
So, who lives in the Meadows? We will start with Dr. Freud. Not to be confused with the internationally famous father of psychoanalysis. Our Dr. Freud stepped out from a parallel universe after Ned challenged one of the community’s Nobel Laureate physicists to create a vortex. How’s that for the power of intention? In our novel, Dr. Freud has hung up his diploma as well as most, but not all, of his undergarments. He replaced his cigar with an authentic peace pipe. Black socks and a bow tie are still de rigueur. Dr. Freud always likes to have the last word. (There are some who think this is a cultural trait.)
Dr. Freud: You two have some chutzpah by writing a sequel to Einstein Meadows without giving me the last word in your first novel. Where is your respect for elders? You should be ashamed. What would your parents say?”
Nancy & Ned: (in unison) “It’s our novel and we decide who gets to speak!”
OK enough of the foreshadowing! It occurs to us that you our paying customer may not have read our first novel, or may have already forgotten it. (Of course, that would be very hard to believe, unless you are seniors like us.) Therefore, you may not be aware of how the residents of Einstein Meadows liberated themselves or even who they are.
Here is a brief synopsis of the novel that inspired this genuine sequel. (But you should still buy the original.) Einstein Meadows: The Unspoken Perils & Thrills of Living in a Retirement Community relates the incredible adventures of a group of clueless seniors, and how we shepherded them to the promised land. After much kicking and screaming, the retired academics eventually saw the wisdom of becoming growers and sellers of medicinal marijuana. We affectionately called them ganjapreneurs or Einstonians.
The weed transformed most, but not all, of the residents by freeing them from financial and emotional constraints. Aside from making piles of money, the Einstein Meadowites evolved into better functioning, more fulfilled people. They rode around town in a Woodstock bus, hosted transgender weddings, got naked and generally had a good time. Now, we know that some of you may think we stretched the truth a bit. As strange as it may seem, our story is mostly true, somewhat true, or at least partially true. We let our readers decide.
As some of you may know, consuming weed often spurs creativity, makes it easier to write satire, and helps folks see life in a new perspective. The Einstonians were no exception. Since we were all advancing in age, it occurred to us that we should start to keep records of our epiphanies lest we lose them to our slowly fading memories. What epiphanies you ask. In the last three years, our formerly staid academentians gained epic amounts of collective wisdom. Thus, in the spirit of bettering the world, in this novel we will reveal some of our neighbors’ more high-minded nuggets. Just because we were all getting older doesn’t mean we have to resign ourselves to the harsh realities of life or hide in a basement bunker like some presential candidate.
We know the Einstonians are better than that, especially since they are already living an enhanced life. The journey is always easier when you do not have too much baggage. And, we are naked! Plus, the sacred plant is keeping everyone’s memories intact and our reasoning as sharp as a rusty nail.
Turn the page and we will share the 10 epiphanies that our stoned and naked seniors discover. Remember, marijuana leads to enlightenment! By spending more time at Einstein Meadows, you will discover how the denizens are no longer wearing out their britches or the soles of their shoes.
Nancy: “That’s because they are mostly naked and barefoot.”
Dr. Freud: “Yes, but you can still benefit from their insights. There is plenty to learn from your high wattage neighbors.”
Mystery voice: “And, what about their collective unconscious?”
CHAPTER 3 –
What Other People Think of You
Is None of Your Business
Who knew that after Einstein Meadows reached full build-out we would still have such hullabaloos? If you thought the Great Marijuana Debate (which we featured in our first novel) was ridiculous, wait until you read this. Our neighbors created a rigorous screening procedure so posers wouldn’t invade the community.
If nothing else, the Einstonians were consistent. Not wanting to be impulsive (as if!!), they weighed all the pros and cons of every issue. That’s why Dr. Freud continues to call them the mental masturbators of the universe. Scott Gonzaga, the developer of Einstein Meadows, convened a task force which solicited questions from everyone in the neighborhood. He then scheduled a meeting of the Sustainable Growth and Development (SG&D) Committee to present our neighbors’ questions. As you would expect, some of the questions were outrageous not to mention downright illegal.
As people enter the Ponderosa Room, Brunnhilde puts “Long Time Coming” by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young on the CD player; and then shares marijuana-infused soda. Jeannette Gedankenlos brought bagels with marijuana butter to spread on them - a new and welcome twist to the traditional New York ‘schmear’.
Ben Chardonnay: “Do you have any wine to go with these delicious treats?”
Brunnhilde: “It is only 10 o’clock in the morning and today is Sunday, Ben. You know, we can’t serve alcohol until noon.”
Scott: “It’s been a while since I’ve attended a meeting. Now, I see why you folks accomplish more these days. Pass me a bagel, please. And would you spread some magic butter on it?
Jeannette Gedankenlos: “As our resident psychologist, I think we should have some common agreement about what types of people we’d like to have and, even more importantly, not have as our neighbors.”
Ned: “Excuse me lady, but you aren’t the only licensed clinician here.”
Jeannette: “Dr. E., I know you are licensed and board certified, but after all, you’ve been retired for more than a dozen years.”
Dr. Freud (whispering in Ned’s ear): “She’s a real piece of work. It took that loser three times to pass the exam.”
Ned: “At least I passed the licensing exam the first time. I think we should ask everyone here what they would like to see.”
El Sabio: “I’d like to see lots of naked bodies.”
Brunnhilde: “Who said that?”
Dr. Freud: “I think there must be a ventriloquist among us.”
El Sabio: “That would be me dummkopf.”
Suddenly El Sabio becomes visible. El Sabio is a chihuahua with gray hair on his chest. He wears round glasses and has very expressive eyes, which you can’t always see under his huge sombrero. Plus, he can make himself invisible when the mood strikes.
. . .
Reverend Vernon Verschwender: “And, we need to make sure we don’t let in any of those folks with the You-Know-Who Derangement Syndrome that the reliable reporters on the ‘Fair and Balanced’ network are always talking about.”
Brother Gunther Shaygetz: “Holy smokes, no! That’s all we need. As if we don’t have enough idiots from New York here already!”
Zachariah Denker: “Let’s be scientific and just ask the applicants which network they rely on for news.”
Ned: “Yeah, I don’t think the folks who watch the Comical News Network will fit in here since we all own guns and like to wear them even when we are naked.”
Brunnhilde: (waving her gavel, and taking a bite of a bagel) “Enough. You folks take off on more tangents than our so-called representatives from Congress.”
Heckler: “I think we need a regime change. It’s time for a revolution!”
Reverend Vernon: (under his breath): “I knew we should have seceded.”
Heckler: “Can I have an amen? The South will rise again!”
Dr. Freud: “It sounds like you’re setting up some sort of quotas; that’s too restrictive. I’m sure most of the Einstonians already here would not meet these new standards.”
Ben: “You bet it’s restrictive. We’re rolling in such a pile of bucks from the grow that we must be a little choosy. We all share in the profits, and there should be a limit to our largesse.”
. . .
Nancy: “Let’s concentrate on reviewing the proposed questions, then invite the entire community to vote on the application.”
Reverend Vernon: “Since when did this neighborhood become a democracy? I thought this was an oligarchy, albeit half-baked at times. Why would we give the rabble any decision-making ability, especially you New Yorkers from our low-rent district?”
Nancy and Ned: (jumping up to sway arm in arm and sing) “These little town blues are melting away. We’ll make a brand-new start of it in old New York. If we can make it there, we’ll make it anywhere. It’s up to you New York New York. Dot dot dota dah. Dot dot dota dah…”
Song fades away. Ned and Nancy continue to sway for a few more beats, hug and smooch, then take their seats.
Brunnhilde: “OK, let’s whittle down this mishmash of neighborhood questions to the top 20.”
The community rejected three of Jeannette’s favorite questions: Were you breast-fed? If yes, what age were you finally weaned? What age were you toilet trained?
Buford Swindler: “Hold on. What about an application fee?”
Reverend Vernon: “That’s easy. $10,000.”
Ray: “Whoa, Reverend! That is extreme, but completely reasonable considering what we offer. Be aware, however, that under the Fair Housing Act, we must refund the fee if we nix the applicants.”
Buford: “Just make sure we hold on to the application fee long enough to earn interest.
Ned: “If this application is an example of being enlightened, I am truly frightened!”
Jeannette: “With all due respect, that’s bupkes.”
Dr. Freud: “Vaht?? I’m not sure I understand your meaning. Please clarify.”
Reverend Vernon: “I think we should try it out. What do we have to lose? Who cares if they are offended?”
Ben: “I’ll drink to that. Wait a minute; I’ll vape to that. Ray, pass the pocket-sized peace pipe please.”
Ned and Nancy: (in unison, laughing) “Try that five times fast. Pass the pocket-sized peace pipe please, pass the pocket-sized peace pipe please, pass the pocket-sized peace pipe please . . .
Nancy: “But, seriously, Ray, send that peace pipe over here.”
The Sustainable Growth & Development Committee adjourns.
El Sabio, Dr. Freud, Ned and Nancy hang around for another bagel.
El Sabio: “Uno momento, por favor. I will not be cancelled! I concur with Ned (I mean the Dear Reader author). Soon, you will have more brains and more money than the rest of the retirement squad.”
Dr. Freud: “So, to summarize: what other people think of you is none of your business.”
Ned: “What he said!”
Piles of applications arrived. The committee unanimously agreed on most of them – either giving them the green light or stopping them short at the gates. The SG&D committee reconvened to discuss the more contentious applications. One potential property owner was very unhappy with the decision on his application. Here’s what he wrote:
Dear Einstein Meadows SG&D Committee,
I cannot understand why my application to purchase property in your fine neighborhood was rejected. I remember clearly stating that I love to walk around in the nude on my property. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared that I wear a propeller beanie.
How about that I’m an outspoken proponent of gun confiscation? Or lastly, because I’m a skateboarder?
What gives? I hope you snoots will have the decency to respond. I thought I was a perfect fit.
Clueless in California
Reverend Vernon: “Whoa! Who does this guy think he is? We better respond to this one. We don’t want anyone filing a Fair Housing lawsuit. And we certainly can’t let him think he’s the victim. When it’s we who dodged a bullet by sensibly rejecting him. Nancy, would you please draft a response.”
Buford: (sighing) “I guess I’ll have to return his application fee.”
Nancy: “I’ll be happy to write this guy.
Brunnhilde: “Try to be kind. We don’t want to be soul crushers.”
* EINSTEIN MEADOWS -
HOME OF THE
Clearly your values don't match ours. We wish you all the best and will pray for you to come to your senses. If and when that happens, and that's a big if, take a long walk off a short pier.
For the rcord, your propeller beanie wasn't a problem. We were happy to see it was MAGA red; and gave you some bonus points for that. However, all things considered, it's time for you to come out of the basement and get a life.
Thank you for your interest in Einstein Meadows.
The Einstein Meadows
Sustainable Growth and Development Committee
Reverend Vernon: “That’s perfect, Nancy. I move to send it out as is.
Brunnhilde: “I second the motion. Buford, cut the check, please. Don’t forget to send it at the end of the month so we earn the most interest.